A letter to heaven

I don’t believe in superstition, but believe in the existence of heaven. For many years, I always felt that my father was still living quietly in another world.     Dear dad, time has passed so fast, you have been away from us for twenty-two years. In the past 20 years or so, I have many words to say to you. Although you have already gone to another world, in my heart, in my dream, you have never left. Always think, you are just out of town, a trip to a distant town without a return date. Your figure has never been out of my sight. You are always busy in the ridge and field. Your untimely death has left a scar in my young heart that is hard to heal and shattered my beautiful dream as a teenager.. Also makes young me realize the cruelty of fate and the fragility of life too early. It also made me dust-proof all the memories that belong to you over the years.. I have never dared to write for you. Until today, after many years of trekking in the world, I finally got up the courage to write this late letter for you. I think you can understand it.     Over the years, my sister and I have grown up. Is no longer the two inexperienced girl. They have also become wives and mothers and have children of their own. If you are still there, they will definitely call you’ Wai Yeh’ with a sweet childish voice.. Also will certainly let you take their chubby little hands and walk the streets and lanes. Dad, TV is no longer a rarity. Every family has a color TV set. You don’t have to worry about not seeing the drama program any more. Just press the remote control panel and the drama channel will always have an impassioned Qin tune for you to enjoy.. Brother has also grown up and is no longer the stubborn boy who dragged his nose and easily lost his temper.. My mother’s health is also good, but after you left, she was too overworked and fell down with an old disease of soreness and backache.. The old house in the home was built with the help of uncles in the winter of the year you died, with the new bright new houses with red brick and green windows.. The house is in the wheat field you chose during your lifetime. The procedures for building houses in those days were also signed and approved by Murakami’s cadres while you were alive..     In the years since you left, great changes have taken place in the village. The villagers who used to love each other as much as life have now laid waste large tracts of good land there.. The fields were covered with unknown wild flowers and weeds. In those days, the scene of fighting for a little bit of land and fighting for revenge will not appear again.. The old people in the village all died one after another. The young people in the village all went to the coastal cities in the south to earn money. This wave of work has been going on for many years and should continue. Today’s villages are different from the past. In those years, the village was full of vigor and vitality, like a vigorous teenager. Today’s village is like an old man who has entered the age of Mao. It is much bleaker and much worse.     Do you remember the old well at the head of the village? The old well, which was once used to feed hundreds of people in the village, was already covered with dead branches and leaves.. Every New Year’s Eve afternoon, the sight of villagers queuing to carry water by the well can only be reproduced in their dreams. Today, every family has access to tap water. But I always can’t forget that buckets of clear well water quiver at both ends of the pole. In the middle of the village, there is always an endless stream of people grinding glutinous rice every December.. Today, the old grinding house is about to collapse and the grinding rack has fallen apart. The pan was covered with thick dust. A large number of young people have gone out, most of them have moved to cities and towns, and the once – busy run-up of houses has completely dropped out of the historical stage.. The pond in the village, which can both raise fish and irrigate fields, has been mostly occupied by silt because it has not been dredged for many years.. Every summer before and after planting rice, there is always a shortage of water. On the smooth village road before, weeds and scattered broken bricks and tiles were everywhere. It’s hard to see a man carrying a plough passing by.     I said this to you, just for fear that you will not find your way home after many years.I was also sad about the depression in the village, but I understand that every era will have its own changes.. Every change is also a painful metamorphosis. This is beyond the control of personal power. I know you love the land under your feet and the village that nurtures you.. No matter how the village declines and bleaks, it will always be the root and soul in the hearts of our cultivators.. In that case, let’s bless it! May national stability and social harmony prevail.     Dad, your favorite old cow was bought by us to the cattle dealer because of her old age and infirmity.. The cow, when you just bought it home, was still a calf and lived in our house for 89 years. Spring ploughing and autumn harvest were good helpers.. On the morning of being taken away, the yellow cattle’s watery eyes rolled with glittering and translucent tears.. Years later, when I think about it, I will still cry. Dad, it’s not that we were cruel, it’s just that you had to be operated on when you were hospitalized because of excessive grief and fatigue.. At that time, the family had just finished building the house and could not afford the money for hospitalization, so they had to buy the old ox to cure their mother.. My mother’s illness is cured, but the old ox is gone. Dad, in fact, you know, we also loathe to give up the workhorse. For so many years, I have been afraid to look at the cow’s eyes. I’m afraid I can see the shadow of my ox and the pain in my heart in the eyes of the ox..     The agricultural tax and retention money that you were worried about and did not know where to raise and borrow were cancelled as early as a few years ago.. This is undoubtedly great news for the peasant families who have been farming for generations.. Not only does not pay the agricultural tax, but there are also some subsidies for farming. This was something that I did not even dare to think about in the past.. I remember when I was a child, every winter when I was idle, the captain and the accountant would go from house to house to urge the payment of agricultural tax and deposit money.. Our family has a large population. Every time we pay money, it is a large sum of money.. I can’t forget your helpless expression in the face of captain and timing. At that time, I always hoped to grow up quickly and find a job to earn money when I grow up. Reduce the burden on your family early to stretch the brows locked under the weight of your life.. The public grain that was to be handed in every year before has also been cancelled many years ago.. We don’t have to go to the grain inspector’s face and listen to their inexplicable reprimand for going on public food any more.. At that time, there was always a long line of grain at the grain depot.. We are in the hot sun, one stop is half a day. If you encounter a grain inspector who is in a bad mood, a small flaw will be returned in full.     Today, children go to school free of charge from primary school to junior high school. Schools in some places also provide children with free breakfast, milk and eggs to supplement nutrition. Think about that year, when school started, you were often puzzled by the tuition fees of our sister and brother. At that time, although tuition was only 60 or 70 yuan, at least a few bags of grain were sold in the early 1990s.. My hands and heart tremble every time I receive the tuition fee from you for buying food with my body temperature.. Always tell yourself again and again in your heart: when you can earn money in the future, you must be dutiful to you. But when I graduated from junior high school, you were killed in a car accident. Thought of here, accumulated for many years of tears, rushing out from the eyes again. Dad, you know what? For your kindness, God didn’t give me a chance to repay, which also made me truly understand the pain of ” the tree wants to be quiet but the wind is not strong, the child wants to be nourished but not loved”. After experiencing the pain of losing you, we cherish every inch of our time with our mother.     Dad, now I don’t have to worry about seeing a doctor in the countryside. The country has implemented a new type of medical insurance in rural areas. As long as you pay a fee once a year and go to the hospital to see a doctor within this year, you can reimburse 70 % of the cost.. The current policy is much better than when you were alive. Most of the time, I always think that if there is no accident, maybe you can catch up with good policies and lead a quiet life.. But fate’s relentless, let all this become a phantom. Sometimes I also hate, hate the flying disaster. But all this, to no avail. Water is still flowing. Clouds are still floating.Only the pain in my heart is as painful as it was many years ago. After all these years, do you still remember your cigarette bag? That’s your favorite thing you never let go of in those days. When the tobacco leaves planted at home mature, you treat them like babies, carefully drying, airing, rolling and putting them. When winter comes, those precious tobacco leaves will be rolled into bundles by you and stored in a drier place. You are a heavy smoker. whenever you are free, you will always cut tobacco leaves into filaments and put them into a tobacco bag that your mother pieced together with floral cloth.. Wait until you want to smoke, then put it into an aluminum tobacco pot ( northern dialect, or pipe ) and light it with matches, ” kipper kipper” kept smoking.. No matter in spring, summer, autumn and winter, under the eaves, in the courtyard dam, on the ridge of the field, in the field, a pipe of smoke pot in your hand, you breathe out your joys and sorrows and remember the time.     Always remember, many summer nights, you were sitting on the bluestone in the courtyard with a cigarette bag in your hand and a cigarette pot in your mouth, silently smoking a dry cigarette.. See smoke pot sparks flickering like fireflies wandering in the wilderness. In the thick darkness, I can’t tell whether you are fidgeting about farming or worrying about poverty.. Only in the rising smoke ring, I can feel your helplessness and loss under the weight of life.. Only then were we young and ignorant. And you, who are silent, seldom tell us about your boredom and inexperience. No matter how heavy the burden is, no matter how hard it is, you will bear it silently. Today, many years later, when I think of these, I will still feel sad and heartache. Your tenacity and your weight always remind me of Cang Kejia’s old horse: ” Always ask the cart to fit enough, it will not say a word, the pressure on its back will buckle into the flesh, and it will drop its head heavily.”! Dad, do you remember the 20 – odd cypress trees you planted in her grave after grandma died? At that time, the trees of the size of the thumb tree have now become big, verdant and tall trees at the mouth of the bowl.. They are like spirited soldiers, neatly arranged in front of grandma’s grave, guarding grandma. Every time I go to the grave on Qingming Day, I always feel that they are all the unreals of your figure. It is you who put all your thoughts on grandma into the deep earth and into the pale cypress. The cypress tree has turned the oath and promise of the year into a guardian, rain or shine.. They must also be moved by your filial piety, so faithful.     In those days, after grandma died, you broke down and wept bitterly, making me unforgettable. It was the first time I saw your tears and the last time I saw them. Because in the fourth winter of grandma’s death, you will go forever. Your tears, let the young I also couldn’t help tears. Later, I learned from my mother’s mouth off and on that grandma’s fate was miserable all her life. Ten children were born, but only two were raised. It’s you and your aunt. The other eight died of illness in those days when there were few doctors and medicines.. These, for a mother, how to cut heart and cut lung pain. You also suffered a lot when you were a child, because your family was poor and you didn’t have the money to buy shoes. In the winter of falling snow, I still wear straw sandals barefoot, and in the cold wind, I still have to give cattle to others.. Grandma’s death touched too much memory of suffering in your heart.     Dad, I know you love trees. In the courtyard dam in front of the house, you planted many Chinese toons and acacia trees. You planted orange trees and pear trees in the vegetable field behind the house. Where you go, there will be little saplings green everywhere. Who says vegetation is heartless? For more than 20 years after you left, the trees you left were still spitting green and growing shade.. They seem to want to repay your kindness of planting and breeding. After you left, we chose your grave site next to grandpa’s grave. Because I didn’t know you, I didn’t plant the trees you love in your grave.. When I think of it, I still feel guilty after many years.     Long world events, the sea into a mulberry field. More than 20 years of time, mottled memories, but the endless yearning for you never stopped. In several dreams, I dreamed that you were holding a tobacco pot in your mouth, and that morning glory was carrying a plough and walking on the ridge in front of the village.. Dad, I think you miss us too. Otherwise, how can you go to my dream all the time?.No matter how many words, I can’t tell you how much I’ve been thinking for many years.. To my regret, after you left, you did not even leave us a photo. In desperation, I had to collect your ID card. Although your photo above is not very clear, it is also the only image you left us.. Today, your ID card has been kept in my photo album. If you have time, I’m going to enlarge the photo on your ID card and give each sister-in-law one to keep it well.     Dad, you’ve spent most of your hard life, but you haven’t been able to catch up with the good days, and you’ve only left a deep regret in your daughter’s heart.. I must take good care of myself over there. I can only imagine your white hair in countless thoughts.. If you are lonely over there, listen to your favorite Qin dialect and smoke a cigarette.. Winter is coming again, but remember to keep warm. When the weather is clear, you can also go under the wall to bask in the sun. No matter how much time has passed and how much dust has accumulated, it will not be able to stop my endless concern for you.. Although you didn’t read many books, I am convinced that you can understand my daughter’s full-page rambling..     Dear dad, although time has taken you to another world in a hurry, you have been living in our hearts all the time. Years can change the face, but they can’t age all the memories about you.     May you be well in heaven!     Daughter taps on November 22, 2014